We enter this world with women & go out with them as well(most of the time).Watching & making decisions for pets doesn’t prepare you for watching a loved one slowly succumb to cancer.
I told her, I don’t want her to be in any pain. She rattled off some figure - I’m already taking this much 2x a day and so much for breakthrough. She was so tired & it was so hard for her to walk. She was in pain, a lot of it. She said she was getting a lift (like a funicular, I said & explained what it is) for her place & would use her wheelchair next time. She was cold in the water, has lost more weight. Patty & her had flowerless chocolate cake with whipped cream ” doesn’t really matter now” she said. I asked her if she was leaning Buddhist. Yes, she said, good, said I. Then she said I’m sure that won’t be a problem with hospice because they are all from Naropa. She is beginning her journey to the other side in earnest now. Cancer has spread into stomach, her knee is really hurting her & she has stopped treatment. She hates that she is this way, that she can’t hike or drive or do any of the things she used to. She does not have to be in pain & unfortunately it’s going to get a lot worse. I will remember her as a creature of water, and will put her in Hawaii that she loves so well. That’s where she will go. Swimming in the warm Hawaiian waters with turtles. Breaks my heart to see her hurting. Back to the Buddhist beliefs I have. I believe in reincarnation & or rebirth. I believe I have met people in this life that I have known in a previous one. She is one of those. From the moment I met her I felt I had met her before. I thought from high school but nope, never. Just the instant click. I wonder if she feels the connection as well.. I must ask her.
The most important thing in life is love for one another.
The best thing I saw yesterday is that Orla Kiely is opening their first store in the US in NYC & hiring. Huge lover of all things Orla.
The worst, of course, that Steve Jobs is gone. I knew it was coming, when he stepped down. I preordered his authorized biography off Amazon that day. His cancer will be covered in the book. This morning I see pre-sales are up. Makes sense. Steve Jobs was very lucky to be able to afford the best medical treatment & get his liver replaced & cancer treated at Stanford. Most would have died sooner.
Cancer sucks folks.. Join the National Marrow Donor Program & make a difference. If swabbing your cheek could save a child, a friend, someone in need - wouldn’t you do it?
It is so hard to see someone you love in pain and not able to get comfortable at all. She is struggling with having to accept the fact that in order to better manage the pain she will have to have more morphine on board which will make her sleep more, which will make her even less alert.
None of us want her to be in pain and to watch her suffer is hard.
I went to visit her because she asked me too and then later today the Caring Bridge notice comes that we should txt/call to see if she is up to having visitors. I understand that. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to visit today and I’m very glad that I was able to see her.
I’m celebrating 4:20 today for her. Lift ‘em high and smoke ‘em if you got them.
The “I’m not ready to die” is a direct quote. I’m not ready to lose you, no one is ready to lose you.
I didn’t have a chance to tell her this in person.
I love you. Don’t be scared. I’m positive I will see you again. Let go of this painful shell of a body and swim out to sea. Look for sea turtles. Enjoy swimming in the beautiful waters off your favorite beach. You are healthy and strong. Tan, and such a powerful swimmer. Water is your element. The water is so clear and blue. It’s so much fun to swim along and play dolphin in the ocean and you have on the sweetest fins ever. You can swim as fast as you want with them on and it so fun to swim underwater with the fishes. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Might go kayaking closer to sunset. Nice snack with grilled fish, fresh pineapples, mangoes. After maybe a joint or two, some drinks and watch the sunset with friends. The air is the perfect temperature and you are dancing in your beautiful sarong. Its been a beautiful day. Listen to the waves on the beach. I can hear them crashing on the shore. The palms are gently swaying. The day has been perfect.
My friend left her body tonight but this is where and how I will always picture her. My best to you on your new journey.
Walters cancer is already back, he’s got limited time left, he wants to make as much money as possible before he gets killed or commits suicide. He is “playing” Heisenberg to be a creature to be feared.
SAY MY NAME, BEOTCH.
He has to achieve this as fast as possible because he has less than six months to live. He’s terminal.
Walter has always been about his family. He went to the doctor but the check-up report never was discussed.
I haven’t read what anyone else has written because I’m just starting to watch ‘Say My Name’.
The roller coaster of life that we all are on, with blindfolds too, just dropped me a doozy of a hill.
Found out Thursday night that my mom is in the hospital. She got admitted on Wednesday. My dad called - words I heard - cancer, stroke.I get to the hospital, my mother won’t tell me anything except they think she had a little stroke. Then she says they keep finding things but they don’t know what they are. She said she had an MRI/CAT scan etc.
Friday, I find out the the biopsy they were scheduled to do had to be postponed because “someone” had given her too much blood thinner. She had a major nose bleed in the morning. So now she has to wait until Monday for the biopsy. While I was there I noticed the cancer doctor’s card. I questioned my mom and dad about that and he said, near her pancreas and then he said - in front of my mom - and if it’s that, she may have 4 months. My mom said, I didn’t hear him say that.
Jesusfuckingchristonastick
Then to top it all off, after I finally get ahold of my Aunt (dad’s sister) and my cousin (who is like an Aunt), they both start in on - we think your dad is having trouble, and he isn’t holding information on, and he’s starting dementia, etc, etc. WHAT??
My goal for today is to hold it together at least until I’m done with my work shift. I have to go over to my parents because (get this) they don’t have the answering machine set up so no one can leave them any messages.
Needless to say, this is how my past two days have been. Cruising along enjoying the roller coaster and then BOOM, the massive downhill.
As you may encounter someone like me who is grieving but functioning. Sometimes all it takes is a touch on the arm and saying, I’m so sorry.
Time out - Xanax time. 2nd of the day. I made it from 6:30 to now with only one.
Made it through and enjoyed seeing the kids. “So is your mom dead yet?” from the 8 year old.
Note to self: Xanax is kind of like pain medicine when you have a broken heart instead of a broken bone. I learned after breaking my clavicle that waiting until the pain pills wore off was a bad thing to do and pain must be managed. Better to err on the side of too much then not enough. When I allow myself to sit, as I did just now, without taking one, it’s hard.
Skipping rehab going home to hospice. ASAP. I arranged all that. She will get rehab for her eyes and body at home. We will see what the biopsy says.
I wanted to write this down because I can. It’s easier for me to type this than to write it. I have my joint, my xanax, my zoloft on board. I have my music. I have these stupid fucking dogs who are freaking out and worried about me, thereby being extremely close to me.
The other day she told me she had a dream she was dead. She said it was light and she was happy. She thought, well, this wouldn’t be so bad.
She asked me what I thought it would be like to die. I told her I thought it would be like falling asleep. I didn’t tell her this but I think it will be a tiny spark in your brain, you, your soul, whatever talks to you and you listen to. You who knows yourself the best. I think you just go, oh shit, I’m jumping and go see what’s behind door #3! Let go. Go find out what happens next. Know that you are loved.
This is hard because I have been very hurt by my mother as I’m sure she has been/was/is hurt by me. We were not close. K and I are close, although maybe she hates me in the same way I was embarrassed by my mother.
Good. Xanax kicking in. I already apologized for not being a good daughter, she said it was because she was a bad mother. I said she did the best she could. Her mother died when she was 12.
Once again, I am going to my dad’s to fix the phone. Sigh. He’s doing his best to cope. I’m so glad hospice is getting involved.
I wonder if she thinks about how I hurt her and has a hard time forgiving me as I do about some of the things she did that hurt me. Shit, I can remember her making me write, ‘I hate my mom” a 100 times because I said I did. She’s been my mother for 54 years.
I hope my children, her wonderful, wonderful grandchildren have a chance to visit and spend time with her before she passes. I’ll never foget handing her granddaughter to her for the first time. She was so happy. I remember not being invited to their 50th wedding anniversary. Translation - I didn’t say I’d really like to go and they didn’t offer to pay for me to go. I remember them going to Germany for a party with my x family and my children. Happy, happy, joy, joy, get over and why should it hurt?
This is my fault. They are all probably afraid I’ll make a scene. Have I made scenes in the past? I am really pissed at Dr. Cooper. When a patient comes in with a spouse of over 50 years and says something is wrong, something is wrong. You dropped the ball on this one bud, and I hope you learn something from this.
Fuck. She’s trying to be tough but I see and know she’s scared. She keeps saying she thought a stroke would get her as it’s what got her mom. Her brother, Sidney, had liver cancer. She was going on about how they were biopsying the liver, not the pancreas. She said she’s in denial. Don’t blame her.
Stop, stop, stop. I am not letting any guilt trips in. Get out of my head. Be in the moment and be nice to those of us you see out that need reassurance of the goodness and empathy of us all. One Love.
