Disappointment. Discouraged. Depressed.
January I was ‘promised’ position as booking agent. Wrote blog posts, pushed out a bit. Thank goodness I already was seeing red flags and am gosh darn smart enough not to fucking work for free. Never happened. Nothing. No nothing. No press, no job, no assistance from said business person.
A few months later - oh, we think you would be perfect to work with T. We’re going to be at the Cannabis Cup, it will be awesome. Fell through to due circumstances beyond anyone’s control.
Few months later - I’m thinking of Weed Welcome Wagon. Thinking about dipping my toe into the entrepreneur water. Scared. Registered business name, bought domains etc. Said same person who promised me job as booking agent said she thought it was a great idea, plenty of promise, etc. Said oh, you should share a booth with T at the Denver County Pot Pavillion and the County Fair. Great!!!
Spoke with T, she wants me to work for her. Excited. Thrilled. Going to be COO. Going to make this company take off. Errrrr…. except she has no sales and no money to pay me. Again, thank goodness, I had a lawyer look at the contracts and advise me not to sign. Not only did I not sign, I didn’t put any money into the company (other than my time and $400 ish). Took time off from work to go to Denver County Fair. 3 days and no sales. Absolutely no sales. Very eye-opening. Stopped assisting. Again. No work for free. Been there, done that, am not doing it again. Oh, and no press. This was the beginning of August.
Spoke with another person, wants me to sell advertising for her. Excuse me, but no one goes to your site. How am I supposed to sell them advertising when no one goes to the site? No can do. Why would anyone advertise on a site that gets no traffic?
Went to Denver to get badge to work in MMC/OPC/MIP anything. Applied for jobs. Applied for a fucking receptionist job where they wanted social media skills. Wrote a kick ass cover letter. No calls. Applied for budtender job in Boulder. Sorry, not interested. Fine, fuck you.
September - over $2000 in unexpected bills. Two cats, two abcesses, one car repair and now… great, the washing machine is broken and is probably going to be $350/400 to fix.
Depressed. Very, very, very, very depressed. No one that cares. No one to talk to. Called Boulder Mental Health. Answering machine. Great. Sent emails to a few therapists. Waiting to hear back from them to tell me they aren’t accepting new patients.
Discouraged. I guess I’m just going to have to take a job, just to have a job. Forget that I want to work in the Cannabis Industry. Forget that I’ve been working on social media and growing my knowledge by attending seminars and daily research/learning. I’m “too old”.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
I’ve written people telling them I’m looking for a job. I’ve got my LinkedIn updated, but nooooo… we aren’t going to even interview you and now? Now? You really think I can go back to corporate work? What’s the first thing you do after you meet someone? You Google them. What comes up when you Google me? Cannabis, marijuana. Think I’m going to pay for training in VMWare and then not get a job offer because I’m an activist and obviously enjoy both adult use Cannabis and have my medical card? Nope.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
I’m broke, I have a $3000 a month mortgage and I can’t find a job in the Cannabis industry and more than half of them need, as in really could use, some good social media. “Oh, we have a social media team” - oh you do? With one Facebook post a month, no Twitter presence and a webpage that hasn’t been updated with your newer products? Sure you do.
Nothing is good. I don’t even remember what “happy” is. Happy? That’s other people. Not me. I’m bitter. I’m cynical. My life is over and I just need to go away. I’m a failure. I suck. I’m overweight. I’m alone. I hate everything and right now, everyone.
I keep going but I don’t know for how much longer I can. I don’t want to go on anymore.
I want a full-time job. I want to work in the Cannabis industry. I want to be a valued employee. I have great references. I’m a fast learner and an even faster typer. I’m old. I’m invisible. I’m bitter. I’m depressed. I keep going. I’ve taken the initiative to go get my Colorado badge at the tune of $150 for two years.
I want a vacation. I want a friend. I want someone to care about me, like I care about them. I want to die. I have no one.
Fuck you and you and you and you. And especially you.